Kayla Bolton is a queer visual artist, musician, and creator of the Cancer Queer zine. They are from Denver, Colorado and currently reside in Oregon. Kayla was diagnosed with estrogen-positive breast cancer in 2022.
Kayla talks about their struggle as a trans person with a gendered form of cancer, art as resistance, and the sacredness of being queer. Kayla’s vulnerability is their superpower, helping them build community out of the sadness, anger, and isolation of their cancer experience.
Cancer Queers: Tell me about yourself and yourself as a creative person.
Kayla Bolton: I’m Kayla Bolton, a visual and audio artist. I like to make colorful abstract paintings and really delicate portraits. I play several different instruments and I sing and write. I play banjo, ukulele, guitar and autoharp.
I grew up in Denver and I lived in Denver for a long time. I moved to Portland about six years ago. When I was in Denver, I was really active in the music scene there and met a lot of really cool musicians. But I was looking for something else and decided to move to the Pacific Northwest.
Since I moved to Portland I definitely have had a lot of introspective time. The first year that I moved here, I started going to therapy. And have rediscovered things that I loved before and discovered new things that I love now.
CQ: What was your access to healthcare like before your diagnosis?
Kayla: So I hadn't had insurance since I was like 20. I was diagnosed when I was 31.
Everything just kind of lined up. I had a job that I really didn't like. And I had enough savings built off of to live off of and not work for a few months. That ended up putting me at the perfect amount of money to qualify for OHP [Oregon Health Plan].
I just had a death in my family. And my bosses weren't really supportive of me. And I was just like, I'm not going to have a job that treats me like shit. And somehow magically turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made.
CQ: How did you find out you had cancer?
Kayla: So I was on Tiktok and there was someone singing a song about doing self breast exams. And I was like, oh, I never do that. I might as well do that right now.
And I ended up feeling a lump. At the time, I was still uninsured so I booked at Planned Parenthood. Luckily there is a program funded through the state [of Oregon] where you can get a free gynecological visit once a year. So during that visit, I also scheduled a breast exam. And the doctor at Planned Parenthood also felt the lump that I was feeling.
I was on TikTok and there was someone singing a song about doing self breast exams. And I was like, oh, I never do that. I might as well do that right now. And I ended up feeling a lump.
They gave me a list of places that I could go to and gave me a referral for a mammogram. That was in December of 2021. In January of 2022, I tried to schedule mammograms with Providence [Medical Center]. I had a friend who previously had cancer and got their treatment there and it was just like, really quick and she really enjoyed her care there.
But when I was trying to schedule my mammogram, the person I was talking to wasn't able to find the referral to Planned Parenthood. And they were referring to Planned Parenthood as a “crisis center.” They kept on telling me that I was too young and that it was probably nothing and to make sure that I was positive that I really needed to get a mammogram.
And so that really put me off so it made me really anxious to schedule another one. Or like trying to schedule an initial one. I put it off.
April of 2022 I went for my mammogram. Initially I thought that it was nothing. Like brought a gym bag with me and just thought it was going to be a quick and easy appointment. They did one mammogram and then I sat in the waiting room. Then the mammogram specialist told me the doctor wants us to do another one. And so I did another one and then she asked to do another one. And that's when I started to be, like, okay, something's wrong.
And by the time I saw the doctor, she just looked at me and she's like, “you're really young, but it looks like you have cancer.” They ended up giving me four biopsies. I ended up having four tumors - three in my breast and one in my lymph node. And during the biopsies, they took pieces of each tumor, sent them to the lab and tagged each tumor. And I found out I had cancer.
CQ: Can you tell me a little bit about what it was like to be a queer person getting that screening from a Catholic hospital?
Scheduling, the second time, went way smoother. And I did tell them like what happened with my initial scheduling and the person I was talking to was like, pretty horrified. I definitely didn't really think about it being a Catholic hospital until I was there. And it was definitely just really weird.
So by the time I had my third mammogram and I was waiting to see the doctor, I definitely was knowing something was wrong. Not knowing what it was but knowing that it was going to be bad. And there were two older women who were also getting mammograms. They were probably in their mid 60s. And they're like, “wow, like, if it's my time, it's my time and God has a plan for everything.”
And I was just.. I was just sitting there. Like fuck you. You haven't even gotten your mammogram yet. God doesn't have anything to fucking do with this.
CQ: So you had your diagnosis. What did your treatment end up looking like?
Kayla: I was diagnosed with Stage Two, HER negative, triple estrogen positive breast cancer. I had eight rounds of chemo. Four rounds of AC treatment and four rounds of Taxol treatment. And that was every other week.
I am not sure exactly what AC stands for, but it's really a combination of two different chemos. There's slang terms in cancer culture. Like the same thing that is there in all of our culture. But they call it the Red Devils, because the chemo looks like red Gatorade, and it turns your urine red. Taxol is just a type of chemo. Apparently having like four treatments of AC and four treatments of Taxol is one of the ways that they found best to shrink breast cancer.
The AC treatments made me lose my hair and be really nauseous. It made it really difficult to eat. Then the Taxol treatments the nausea was less, but it made my actual physical bones hurt. And during my Taxol treatment is when I ended up getting neuropathy and my legs and my feet that I still have residual side effects from. It’s also when I developed a pulsating tinnitus and luckily that's gotten easier.
I finished chemo in August 2022 And then I had a double mastectomy in September 2022. And then I had a few months off of active treatment where I was able to just rest and heal from my surgery and recover from chemo treatments. Then started 25 rounds of radiation treatment.
CQ: How long have you been in remission and how does your experience affect each other?
Kayla: At the end of March, beginning of April, I found out that there's no cancer in my system – currently – that they can detect. I started medically induced menopause this month. I'm going to be getting my ovaries out in July.
And yeah, the way that it affects me still is just having to do these things to avoid reoccurrence. Just like not feeling like having my body back. Then just, like, the residual neuropathy. It makes it really hard to walk sometimes. And unfortunately, my current profession is bartending so it involves a lot of walking and standing. By the time I get done with my work week, it's pretty rough.
I think something I really struggle with is going from having just your life before cancer, and then for almost 10 months having your entire life be cancer and just like going to the doctors. Like for radiation – I was going to the doctors every day. And then I finished radiation treatment. I went on vacation to celebrate my being done with radiation and then I immediately started working again. I've been struggling with bridging these things.
CQ: Can you talk a little bit about how your creativity or your art has helped you to process your emotions and help cope with your experience?
Kayla: Yeah. That is why we're here today! When I started my cancer treatment, one of the first things I did was Google “queer cancer.” I was looking for resources. And I also was just looking for people's stories - people like me – who are queer and people who are trans who have gone through similar experiences. And I was left with very little. And it made me really, really sad. And it also made me really, really angry.
I was just looking for people's stories - people like me – who are queer and who are trans who have gone through similar experiences. And I was left with very little. And it made me really, really sad. And it also made me really, really angry.
So I decided that I was going to create a zine. This ended up being an art project of self portraits and some writing documenting and showcasing my experience. The more I went through my experience, and the more that I learned, I learned that queer and trans people get cancer at a higher rate than our cis and straight counterparts. Because of what comes with being queer, which is often financial instability. It’s drug and alcohol addiction. And just the stress of what it is to be alive as a queer person.
I definitely was getting frustrated that there were less resources. By the time I was finishing my treatment and finishing my art project, I decided that it would be amazing to create a resource for queer and trans people. For us to be able to share our art and our stories. Because our stories are important. Our stories are sacred. And like my stories are important. And my story is sacred.
Being able to connect with other queer people who have experienced cancer, it makes it feel like the experience is less isolating. And yeah, I’m hoping to provide some sort of solace to other people like me going through what I went through.
CQ: What other creative outlets helped you through this process? I know you do music. Were you still able to play during your treatment?
Kayla: I I wasn't able to play music for probably like six months when I started treatment. I… Yeah. Music for me is probably my most intimate form of creativity. And it's the way that I express myself without intellectualizing my feelings. And just like… I think that when I got my initial diagnosis, that was the last place I wanted to be.
But I have been playing music more and creating more recently. And it feels really good. I'm a very open person when it comes to my visual art. But when it comes to playing music and singing and songwriting… It's definitely my most intimate, sacred space. And I only feel comfortable sharing it with people that are close to me.
CQ: What are you doing now post-treatment?
Kayla: I am working two jobs. Starting Cancer Queers. I'm stoked about one of the jobs and stoked about Cancer Queers. I definitely have been really enjoying being able to experience my body again. Just by hanging out with my friends. And just being able to walk more than I was able to for like a year.
Summer’s coming up and I’ve already been to the river twice. I’m really loving that aspect of post-treatment.
CQ: How has your relationship with your gender and sexuality been affected by your cancer experience?
Cancer really makes you really relook at your life. You have a potentially deadly thing inside your body. Before my treatment, I was definitely considering top surgery. I was leaning against it just because I wasn't wanting to take painkillers because I had a previous addiction to opioids. I have been clean for over a decade now. And just the idea of surgery was really scary. I never had surgery before. But yeah, getting cancer it was just like, alright, well, this seems like the best decision for my health.
But I didn't get top surgery. I got a double mastectomy. And so it left my chest not looking like I had top surgery. I have to get a couple of visionary surgeries for that.
And the fact that my cancer was estrogen positive… I always struggled with the fact that I had a reproductive system. I always resented it. It made me have resentment for being born a woman. Just really saying that out loud was it was definitely realizing that my gender dysmorphia was a lot deeper seated than I ever realized. Because I never really had anything that made me face it.
Having such a gendered form of cancer – constantly being misgendered throughout my treatment – really just made me sad about the way the medical system treats trans people. But also it made me so much more proud of who I am. I'm fucking trans. Like, please use my correct pronouns.
I think the best thing that I ever did was telling my oncologist that this was one of the most isolating experiences I have ever gone through. Because there aren’t any resources for trans people.
CQ: Can you talk a little bit about how your relationship with your sexuality has been impacted by your cancer experience?
Kayla: Yeah, yeah. So when I was on chemo, I lost all vaginal elasticity. And so it made it really painful to have sex. And it just kind of felt like something was taken away from me. On top of everything else that was being taken away.
But it really made me explore sex differently. I have had lots of relationships with people of all sorts of genders. I feel like since I've had cancer I've been having queerer sex and doing things I never thought that I would be into. And things I’m really into!
CQ: What is queerness to you?
Kayla: Umm… Just… I’m trying not to cry.
CQ: Cry it out!
Kayla: [tearing up] Queerness is beautiful. Queerness is sacred. Queerness is resistance. Queerness is being different. And looking in the face of society that says you need to be a certain way or be the same as everyone and just saying “fuck that.”
Queerness is an ancient and magical way of life.
CQ: Any words of wisdom for people recently diagnosed?
Kayla: It is really difficult to advocate for yourself. Especially when you are in such a difficult position and lots of things are being thrown at you. But make sure that not only the treatment of your body, but the treatment of yourself is what you want and what you need.
Comments